I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
