the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
