im gay
i know
yea but for you.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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