i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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