I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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