I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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