I can text with my tongue
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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