Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
