Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
