I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
