Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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