3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
