I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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