His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
