you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
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