I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
