so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
