Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
