I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
