And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
