I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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