dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Randomize
