Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
