We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
