omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
