I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
