Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Vodka?
Forever.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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