if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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