i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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