Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
