My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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