is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
found the other keg... it's in the tree
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
