my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
