I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
