I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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