is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
