I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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