I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
My breasts were aching with rage.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
