Sry I called you an 8
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
