I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
