that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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