I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Dick very happy bro
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
