OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
