i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
