When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
