he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize