So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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