Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
