She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
where does the pee come out of this thing
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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