YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
