I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
