We won't sleep together?
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
