I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
