I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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