I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
