Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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