I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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