Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
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