I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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